Found this chinese piece of writing in a hair saloon.
I do not, will not, shall not, want not to imagine the sensory taste of such a dish.
Sometimes when Victoria Secret’s already been taken, this name is next best.
Story reproduced, author unknown
Once upon a time a man told a small village, “I will buy monkeys for $10 each.”
Since there were many monkeys in the forest, the villagers caught them and sold them to the man.
As the supply of monkeys diminished, the villagers’ efforts slowed, so the man offered them $20 each.
They renewed their efforts but the supply of monkeys diminished further, so he increased his price to $25.
Soon no one could even find a monkey in the forest.
The man increased his price to $50, but announced, “Since I must go to the city on business, I authorize my assistant to buy monkeys on my behalf.”
As soon as his boss was gone, the assistant told the villagers, “My boss has collected lots of monkeys. I’ll sell them to you for $35 and then, when he returns, you can sell them to him for $50.”
The villagers rounded up all the money they could and bought as many monkeys as possible. Then they had monkeys everywhere…
… but they never saw the man or his assistant again.
And now you understand the workings of the stock market!
Simply hilarious!
Sing-along to the soundtrack of Fast and Furious…
Lyrics:
I wonder if you know,
How they live in Ang Mo Kio
Go to city many gantry
Can’t afford your speed too low
Fast and furious! (Kena!) (beep! beep! beep!)
Slow is dangerous (Aiyah!) (beep! beep! beep!)
I wonder if you know,
How they live in Toa Payoh
Please lah tolong, only Lorong
Not Expressway also tio!
Spread like virius! (Aiyah!) (beep! beep! beep!)
Many many taxes danglin
ERP now is randomin
Keep your speed ‘bove 45
Or everybody Cashcard won’t survive!
Suka suka ERP on
Happy happy gantry can born
16 new ways to gope your lui
See already want to pui!
Gahmen say take MRT
Cos car is only luxury
Build the road for Fellari
Normal car will up lorry
Ji Pa Ban (uh!), Ichiban (uh)
No million dollars you Lan Lan
CTE is the place to be
Singapore road for VIP
I wonder if you know,
How they live in Ang Mo Kio
Reach work early, at 5.30
Spend three hours drink teh-o
Live like vampires (ouch!) (beep! beep! beep!)
I wonder if you know,
Where the gantry never grow
Where the ! lorry Never worry
Travel freely where you go
Pulau Bukom! (Don’t have!) (beep! beep! beep!)
Pulau Tekong (Huat ah!) (beep! beep! beep!)
Was invited to a tennis session this morning at Yio Chu Kang tennis centre by Victor.
He’s a coach, and I had the honor of playing with Bob, Naz, Jason, Alvin, Vincent..yeah I think that’s all of ‘em.
Remembered the good old days when I was in SJI, we were really fanatic about tennis, playing perhaps twice a week at school and even more at YCK during the hols. Then there were already these coaches who loved to play games together in the morning.
I cannot imagine that today, I’ll be having a game with them.
I think it’s great that senior citizens pay about $2 or $3 per hour for a court during off peak timings, compared to $9.50 per hour for the public on peak periods.
Looking at the young schoolboys playing on the court next to us, well, I guess you can call me a pre-old fart.
Played tennis with Terence again this morning.
The moment I hit the first ball, I knew my muscles were protesting.
My forearm was still aching from the last session and it was painful to grip the racket hard.
I thought it was just me, but I had a good laugh when Terence gave me a look and said he also had the same muscle aches.
Well, no use looking back to the young and fit guys we used to be.
I can say that we’re well on our way towards being a bunch of old tennis-kaki farts.
Trying to find out some facts about diet, I recently asked my doctor
the following questions……….. Since he is 93 and still
practising, you have to agree that he knows whereof he
speaks…..—–
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… Don’t
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms
up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! …. Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting
more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the
best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.
And remember:
‘Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other
- body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ‘WOO HOO,
What a Ride’
AND……
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on
nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Went to the wet market this morning, one of my twice-weekly routines.
Had an urgent call from the bowel movement department, so i went to the nearest coffeeshop restroom.
Chanced upon familiar literature, etched on the back of the door of my cubicle. It’s in Mandarin, one of the milder versions, so here it goes in hanyu pinyin:
Cong1 Liang2 Fang2,
Fei2 Zao4 Siang1,
Xiang3 Da4 Nai3,
Da2 Shou3 Qiang1,
Hao2 Shuang3 Le4.
For the non-Mandarin speaking audience, it’s a poem about being in a nice restroom, with sweet smelling suds, thinking of lurid thoughts, and executing the one-arm exercise to satisfaction.
It triggered memories of my innocent childhood, when I discovered such interesting literature in English and Mandarin in the various pit-stops of our island. Some came with graphic drawings, some came with very creative stories, others were adverts with phone numbers luring would-be customers.
Thanks to the efficiency of the Singapore Government, through the efforts of the National Environment Agency (NEA), our pit-stop literature has literally been wiped off the face of these walls and doors.
And our nation’s budding restroom poets have since been effectively transferred to the Special Interests Internet Bloggers Society.
Tonight’s buyer viewing was disastrous.
First appointment set at 8pm. I was there 745pm. Early. Not bad, I thought to myself. And some more in the middle of heavy rain and bad traffic.
8.05pm. Hmmn, my buyer may be delayed by traffic/rain herself.
8.10pm. After smsing her, she smsed to say that she’s late. Will reach in 10 mins. So I relay to the owner’s agent.
8.25pm. No sign of her. I call her and she says reaching. Just turning into Pasir Ris. Hmmn….ok should be max 5 mins I thought.
845pm. Nothing. And I totally cannot reach her at her mobile. “The Singtel mobile number you have dialled is currently unavailable”.
I profusely apologised to the 8pm agent who waited till now. As well as the other 830pm agent and the 840pm agent. Cancelled all viewings. Gosh, I don’t think they will want to deal with me anytime soon after.
9pm. Forgone conclusion. Kena fly aeroplane. Still cannot call through.
The first agent came down, and discovered that his prolonged 1hr wait made him kena summon. He waived his paper at me…there was an apologetic silence from my end…and he drove off.
I also discovered the magical paper on my car windscreen.
It’s as if the summon uncle called for the rain, then waited ready to pounce, and as soon as the last drop came down immediately dashed to the cars and issued the summons ticket.
I cannot comprehend how swiftly the operation was carried out. Must recommend him for the catch Mas Selamat ops. Sure bullseye one.
So that was the cherry that topped off the wonderful phantom cake.
On my way home, I had given Ms No-Turn Up-No-Answer-Call Buyer a polite ” I had to cancel all 3 appointments due to the no-show after 1 hr” sms.
Now its 1051pm, and I’m at home…. (Had to vent my frus by going for a late night jog)… still no “sorry” sms or anything at all.
Poof! Houdini makes a comeback…
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