Category Archives: X-files

eXtraordinary things in life, some strange, some funny

Mein Fuhrer’s Outburst on the Punggol East By-Election Results

This is super hilarious! I could not stop laughing! It’s amazing how one scene from one movie can be applied to so many real life scenarios, albeit with superb script writing. Love that bit where Cecilia Sue’s shenanigans also got a part. And the best part from the Fuhrer, “Call my boy here so I can give him a tight slap.” So funny…..

Of CB Leaves and Sergeants

Just two days ago while I was cooped up on a hill in the western part of Singapore (where they have left nature intact) with 12 other men in green, we were running out of topics to talk about.

We had run through the gamut of Religion (scandals mostly), Politics (completely scandalous), and now like most guys deprived of a skirt for days on end, we moved on to Sex (Centerfold of Scandals in “Corruption”-Free but not Sex-Free Singapore).

One of the guys who was doing his last high-key ICT (In Camp Training) confessed that he did not know what a CB leaf (see picture) was or why it was called so (“Chee Bye” is the Hokkien phrase for the vagina).

The gang then pounced on our newbie, the latest posting to our node (1st ICT) and certainly one guy who we affectionately called “Boy Boy” for his obedience and lack of a certain “weathered” experience of the world. Gosh, “Boy Boy” also calls me Sergeant all the time and I believe I’ve hardly been addressed as such in all of my reservist days and even my active days.

After a while, with much puzzled look on the size of the leaf (nope, that’s not it), it’s overall shape (not so too), he finally discovered the answer (just google it and you’ll find something). Much to our chagrin, he told us he just recently tied the knot two months ago.

It’s really something to bear with the discomfort of the great outdoors in our army greens, eating combat rations and pooping in the bushes in the fastest possible time (to get the least number of mosquito bites on our bare bottoms and exposed thighs). Hell, I know of several buddies who have such mental willpower to hold it all in and self-constipate so that they can altogether avoid the unpleasant business of doing big business.

It’s another thing when you put all these men together with nothing much to do but talk. Men just don’t talk like women do. We put out all the facts, we analyse, we criticise, and we jump at the opportunity to offer solutions.

And then we move on to other news-worthy topics.

After that, we look for the nearest stack of cards, or some solid fuel to go build a fire. Nowadays, I notice the handphone is quite a good distraction too.

It’s just the way men are wired.

Good thing was that our reinforcements came in the nick of time, and now jolly old Sergeant can go to watch Jack Neo’s Ah Boys to Men in the movie theatre and laugh at the good ‘ol CB leaf shenanigans.

Words of Wisdom

Found this chinese piece of writing in a hair saloon.

Newest Dish in town

I do not, will not, shall not, want not to imagine the sensory taste of such a dish.

Nice name

Sometimes when Victoria Secret’s already been taken, this name is next best.

Analogy of the Stock Market: The Monkey Story

Story reproduced, author unknown

Once upon a time a man told a small village, “I will buy monkeys for $10 each.”

Since there were many monkeys in the forest, the villagers caught them and sold them to the man.

As the supply of monkeys diminished, the villagers’ efforts slowed, so the man offered them $20 each.

They renewed their efforts but the supply of monkeys diminished further, so he increased his price to $25.

Soon no one could even find a monkey in the forest.

The man increased his price to $50, but announced, “Since I must go to the city on business, I authorize my assistant to buy monkeys on my behalf.”

As soon as his boss was gone, the assistant told the villagers, “My boss has collected lots of monkeys. I’ll sell them to you for $35 and then, when he returns, you can sell them to him for $50.”

The villagers rounded up all the money they could and bought as many monkeys as possible. Then they had monkeys everywhere…

… but they never saw the man or his assistant again.

And now you understand the workings of the stock market!

The New ERP Song (fr Mr Brown)

Simply hilarious!

Sing-along to the soundtrack of Fast and Furious…

Lyrics:

I wonder if you know,
How they live in Ang Mo Kio
Go to city many gantry
Can’t afford your speed too low
Fast and furious! (Kena!) (beep! beep! beep!)
Slow is dangerous (Aiyah!) (beep! beep! beep!)

I wonder if you know,
How they live in Toa Payoh
Please lah tolong, only Lorong
Not Expressway also tio!
Spread like virius! (Aiyah!) (beep! beep! beep!)

Many many taxes danglin
ERP now is randomin
Keep your speed ‘bove 45
Or everybody Cashcard won’t survive!
Suka suka ERP on
Happy happy gantry can born
16 new ways to gope your lui
See already want to pui!

Gahmen say take MRT
Cos car is only luxury
Build the road for Fellari
Normal car will up lorry
Ji Pa Ban (uh!), Ichiban (uh)
No million dollars you Lan Lan
CTE is the place to be
Singapore road for VIP

I wonder if you know,
How they live in Ang Mo Kio
Reach work early, at 5.30
Spend three hours drink teh-o
Live like vampires (ouch!) (beep! beep! beep!)

I wonder if you know,
Where the gantry never grow
Where the ! lorry Never worry
Travel freely where you go
Pulau Bukom! (Don’t have!) (beep! beep! beep!)
Pulau Tekong (Huat ah!) (beep! beep! beep!)

Tennis with Coaches at YCK

Was invited to a tennis session this morning at Yio Chu Kang tennis centre by Victor.

He’s a coach, and I had the honor of playing with Bob, Naz, Jason, Alvin, Vincent..yeah I think that’s all of ’em.

Remembered the good old days when I was in SJI, we were really fanatic about tennis, playing perhaps twice a week at school and even more at YCK during the hols. Then there were already these coaches who loved to play games together in the morning.

I cannot imagine that today, I’ll be having a game with them.

I think it’s great that senior citizens pay about $2 or $3 per hour for a court during off peak timings, compared to $9.50 per hour for the public on peak periods.

Looking at the young schoolboys playing on the court next to us, well, I guess you can call me a pre-old fart.

Tennis-ache

Played tennis with Terence again this morning.

The moment I hit the first ball, I knew my muscles were protesting.

My forearm was still aching from the last session and it was painful to grip the racket hard.

I thought it was just me, but I had a good laugh when Terence gave me a look and said he also had the same muscle aches.

Well, no use looking back to the young and fit guys we used to be.

I can say that we’re well on our way towards being a bunch of old tennis-kaki farts.

Just for Laughs: Doctor’s “advice”

Trying to find out some facts about diet, I recently asked my doctor
the following questions……….. Since he is 93 and still
practising, you have to agree that he knows whereof he
speaks…..—–

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… Don’t
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms
up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! …. Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting
more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the
best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.

And remember:
‘Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other
– body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ‘WOO HOO,
What a Ride’

AND……

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on
nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.