The Female Connundrum

I had a gathering of internship colleagues on Saturday.

We met each other while in the bank during my 2nd year of uni in 2000 and kept in close touch ever since.

Gosh, almost 8 years…

One of my friends joined after graduation and has been with the bank for 6 years I think. In today’s generation, that would qualify for long service award already. Clap, clap, clap.

She is representative of today’s Singaporean Woman: Smart, Attractive, Professional – a typical yuppie (pardon my inclusion of this overused term).

Her confession was very frank and stark.

“I feel that I can live without a man. I can provide for myself, do the things I want to do and live life to the fullest.”

Not that she did not have a bf. But since he was based for some years overseas, then to me it did not really qualify as a relationship as both parties agreed that it was an “open” one (free to date others).

So without any commitment, there is no real basis to begin with.

Plus she did not want any kids.

“No children ever for me. I admit I’m selfish but that’s me.”

Rewind back to the good old days when men were the breadwinners, providers and head of the household.

Education, equal opportunity, and meritocracy in our developed nation has led to more females than men in our tertiary institutions, as well as more girl-power in the boardroom.

This has led to much balance of power between the sexes, from the office to the home.

Husbands nowadays share the household chores with the wives, and take up a greater role in raising their children.

To the extent of building family cohesiveness and bonding, that is well and good.

But when it crosses the line and women’s core responsibilities of being the mother, wife and homemaker are relinquished and given up for corporate ambitions, I feel that the natural order of the sexes has been turned upside down.

And many women are challenging this norm and saying that they can be successful in both home and workplace.

They say they can be a top CEO or top whatever as well as raise a family and be a good wife.

We all have 24 hours.

That is the only fairness that is equal to every living person on this earth.

So there is no such thing as putting both work and home as top priority in one’s life. Either one has to give way.

Your maid cannot substitute for a real mother’s love. Your affection and support for your husband is just not the same over the phone or email. Home cooked food with the touch of love always tastes exceptionally fantastic.

It’s not quantity time but quality time, some may argue.

Yeah, try to spend “quality” time with your loved ones with that merger and acquisition on your subconscious mind.

You may be physically present, spending time with your children and husband.  But that’s about all.

Think about it.

Sleep over it.

At the end of the day, it’s my friend’s life, and it’s your life.

You choose.

Love is…

Just went for my church’s focus group today. Rather it is a zone level one which my cell shephard asked me to take part in.

And i sheepishly told the facilitator that it was my first day (it was session 4 since the year began). Bo bian, missed the first few cos of cg retreat, reservist, and work.

Some of you are wondering now what relation it has to dating. Well, the topic today was LOVE.

In general, love can be classified in 4 types:

Eros– This is the word used for sensual or physical love. Eros was the Greek god of love.

Stergo– This word means to feel affection, especially the affection between parents and children. It is also used of the affection of a people for their king or a dog for his master.

Philo–This is the general word for love and affection. It is used for attraction of people to one another without regard for family relationships, such as philadelphia, the love of a friend or brother

Agape –This is the word for Godly love.

And of course, God’s love is the greatest.

John 3:16 – For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life. (KJV)

Interestingly, emotional love is only scrapping the top of the barrel. We all concurred that true love always involves long-suffering and sacrifice.

It’s a piece of cake to love people who are generally nice and good.

Try flipping the coin and love your greatest enemy. It’s a struggle right?

How can you love that guy who’s always gunning for your position and spreading tales about you?

How can you love that person who’s so nasty, bitter, and cynical, always downright pessimistic?

And could you possibly love someone who has betrayed your trust, confidence, and hurt you?

Jesus did. And He asked us to do the same.

In the same context, I believe we ought to approach every new friend we make with a same spirit. And if you really love your partner, it involves lots of unconditional sacrifice and giving.

Love does hurt. Ouch!

But anything worth that much to you must be paid for with a heavy price.

And usually you give what is dearest to you.

Martians and Venutians…

The other day my workshop manager was complaining about his lady boss.

Sounds familiar. Yeah, I had lady bosses too. My fair share of 2 in my stint as an employee. First was a supervisor in a foreign bank during my internship. Second was my direct boss in advertising sales.

We shall gloss over the usual complaints of how women bosses tend to micro-manage (aka:attention to detail), overload you with numerous tasks (aka: super multi-tasker), unload their emotional roller coasters unto you (aka: sensitive to people’s feelings).

I’d like to borrow some teachings from my relationship guru, Dr John Gray, who has been a contributor to one of the magazines I used to publish for young adults.

Firstly, men and women are made differently. Genetically and physically distinct, as well as wired differently in their brains and hearts.

Period.

So we speak different languages.

Men tend to use lots of left brain to function and communicate. Analyzing, solving problems, seeing the big picture.

Women tend to use tons of right brain to relate to people. They think emotionally and use feelings to communicate their deepest thoughts. Sharing how they feel as well as relating to one another through empathy, hugs, and generally lots of listening, interjecting on a myriad of topics, all at the same time (aka: multi-tasking superiority).

Men need their “caveman” periods to space out and unwind. Some over a beer with friends (just men friends), some over their PSPs and X-Boxes, some need to unload their testosterone on their bikes, cars, marathon runs.

As for women, many of you will agree with me that it’s the little things that matter. A nice quick hug before and after work; some thoughtful smses; a stalk of flower every now and then; a little surprise gift; saying yes to that boring musical now and then (let’s face it, guys do not dig such stuff); companionship for shopping sprees, romantic movies (pls remember Rambo or The Matrix types do not do it for them); a walk by the beach; a nice meal prepared by you (only you lah, do not get her or any others involved…and “microwave-ready” is automatically out); a dedicated quiet time everyday (10-15 mins) to just listen, feel and empathise with how she spent her day; a resolve to fix whatever’s broken, clean out the trash, pick up the clothes within 1 minute of her alerts…..generally all these little things matter a big deal to her.

Do it and you men will generally be Platinum boyfriends or husbands whenever women trade stories and secrets with their gal pals.

Men are much simpler.

Remember, in no particular order – Food, Sex and Booze.

Just make your man feel like one. And he’ll forever want to continue in this manner.

So a word of advice to my workshop manager. Just live and let live if it ain’t a big issue. Otherwise, life is just too short to be hold such grudges.

Do Not Read THE GAME…

if you ever intend to have healthy relationships or be in serious one.

This book is the most ludicrous load of bs there ever was put to print on the finer aspects of seduction. It supposedly instructs losers and transforms them into Kings of the Dating hill. Scoring their lays with wingmen to assist if anything goes awry.

Nevertheless, I shall share my two bits about this minefield that men have to circumvent, navigate, and hopefully not get bits and pieces blown to smitherines.